Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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