I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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