wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
