I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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