i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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