I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
They have beer where we have blood.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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