Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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