did you get engaged???
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
