I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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