Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
