im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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