i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
