Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
