she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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