You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
