If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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