I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
