since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
