I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
