Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
