just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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