his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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