She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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