mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
