I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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