weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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