He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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