I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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