I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
