I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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