She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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