Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
