the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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