My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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