Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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