i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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