she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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