I looked at my own cervix.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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