You're earring is so big in my mouth
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
