I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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