woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
