Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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