Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
