I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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