I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
