im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We were destined to go to rehab together
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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