You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
