Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
