i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Boobs are out for the taking
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
