I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
