I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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