I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
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