remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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