I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
