My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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